Standing at the kitchen sink, my eyes sting with tears. I am listening to the Classical Music station, which is in the midst of its Fall pledge drive. I want to contribute. I have been listening every day, even as they fund-raise. Again and again, in every possible way, the hosts cajole, encourage, beg, and plead for contributions. But I have nothing to give. Further, the hosts remind their listeners that every contribution to the station will also generate a matching contribution to the Oregon Food Bank, feeding the bodies of the hungry and the poor. I feel the stinging at the corners of my eyes, and for a moment, I look through the window with blurry sight.
I cannot contribute any money. Indeed, I have been wondering lately if we are “poor enough” to visit a food bank ourselves, and each day the radio station has brought this question to mind. I have been calculating our expenses. I have been trying to budget. I have been holding back on any personal or extraneous spending. But sometimes I buy a chocolate bar. We get mid-range coffee and have not yet made a switch to Folgers. We even paid a babysitter and went out for a little date for our wedding anniversary. Perhaps if we cut all of those things….Perhaps if I had not bought extra food and gifts for my son’s birthday, if I had not thrown him a little party, perhaps then we could make it, then we could break even. If I never bought any presents at all. Is it okay to go to the food bank, so that I can afford to throw a very small birthday party for my son? If I was able to get some free groceries, that could balance out the costs….My head spins. I am not too good to accept charity. I am not too proud to take a hand-out. But I don’t want to take something from someone else who is in greater need. And I feel unsure….How much personal sacrifice should we make, before we accept for ourselves the sacrifices of others (who donate food) on our behalf? I don’t know. I never thought I would be here, trying to figure this out.
The music returns, and for a few moments, I think about calling in. The station, the music, it’s beauty have been sustaining me these days. Every day, as I do dishes–there are always dishes–I can turn on the radio, for free, and listen to beautiful music. I can experience some of the greatest heights of human culture, the greatest moments of musical composition, that which speaks wordlessly, speaks to, empathizes with, and uplifts one’s soul. As I debate about food, my soul is still nourished. I cannot make a contribution, not right now, not today or any day soon, but I want to call in and thank them for this, for this gift of Beauty to one who can little afford it. I want to ask if someone would donate on my behalf. Because being able to listen to this is keeping me afloat right now. For whatever we lack in money, we have a library and a music station and thus access to the most beautiful things in the world. We are poor in funds, but the riches available to our souls–for free–are nearly boundless, as much as we can consume! I think about calling in, but I don’t. I still haven’t made up my mind about whether or not we can go to the Food Bank. And I don’t think I could make it through the phone call, not without bursting into tears. As much as we have in Beauty, I still feel our lack, and the pain of it, still stings.